


Free falling

by SecretChocolateStash



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: AU, Angst, One Shot, crying at the club fic, just pure angst basically, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 15:54:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13593429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretChocolateStash/pseuds/SecretChocolateStash
Summary: She swiveled around, yelling for the attention of the bartender, slamming a twenty dollar bill down on the counter. She hardly registered when it was swapped for three shots of tequila, which she downed in quick succession without bothering with salt or lemons.Shit, this stuff burned.But not as bad as seeing Mike with that girl.Could it have been her? If she’d gone back? If she’d stayed?Maybe. Or maybe not. She’d never know now.





	Free falling

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a big ball of angst I needed to get out of my system so I could go back to writing my happy fluffy fic. And since I already wrote it, I'm gonna post it, too.
> 
> There's no happy ending to this.
> 
> You have been warned.

 

The neon sign flashed above her head, the third letter of the clubs name pulsing almost to the rhythm of the bass coming from inside.

Kali raised her eyebrow at her, as if asking if she really wanted to do this and for a moment she wavered. Was this a good idea? Hell to the no, it definitely wasn’t. Was she going to do it anyway? Yes. A thousand times, yes. Her heart thuddered in her chest like a humming bird, trying to tear itself into pieces and escape her chest. Trying to avoid the inevitable outcome of the evening.

This could only end in more pain. Nothing else.

She ran her hand over the pink wig she had on tonight. Just because she was being stupid didn’t mean she had to go full out retard; so she’d taken care to look a little less like herself for the evening. Just in case. The wig and the pink tinted glasses that matched it to a T should suffice. 

Dottie popped a bubble and continued chewing, her mouth open, the bright green gum making an  occasional appearance in the mess of tongue and teeth.

„You sure about this Doe?“

She didn’t go by Eleven anymore. Nor El. No. She was Jane now. Jane Doe. Or, as the gang liked to call her, just Doe; double referencing to her big, innocent brown eyes that always looked a bit like a deer in headlights. Funny shit, that.

There was nothing innocent about her anymore.

She’d lost that in the last six years she’d spent with the gang, hunting down the bad men, playing out their very own avenging angels sequence. Never once stopping to question, for the fear they might not like the answers they would find.

No. Tere was nothing innocent about her anymore. She’d seen too much. Done too much.

 _Been_ too much.

And yet, the scrawny, pathetic bald girl in a tattered bloody T-shirt the three boys had picked up from the woods and brought home like stray dog still shone through sometimes.

She had never let go. Not really. And Kali new that, too. Was there to pick up the pieces once she ripped the blindfold from her eyes and the sobs started wracking through her thin frame, crying for the friends she’d left behind. The life she’d left behind, when she’d decided to leave with the gang on that long ago foggy night, after they’d gone to Hawkins, all together, so she could close the gate once and for all and clean up the mess she had bestowed upon the small town of Hawkins in the first place.

It had taken her a month until she could smile again. And another three to stop crying herself to sleep almost every night. Years for the grief to subside. But the regret, the bittersweet ache of endless maybes and whatifs, that never left.

So she kept tabs. On everybody she’d left behind, but most of all on Hopper. And Mike; which still hurt the most. She’d thought it too cruel not to let Hopper know she was still alive, still okay, so she’d picked up a habbit of sending him postcards over the years. From places she’d been at. But never before she’d moved on, to be safe. She was sure the unsigned cards, always posted on eleventh date of the month, got the message through; Hop was a smart man, he’d get it.

But to the rest of them, she was dead. Dead as the demogorgon she had vanished with all those years ago.

And she was gonna keep it that way, no matter how much it still felt like a knife twisting in her gut.

Which brought her back to the present.

Was she sure about this?

Shit.

„Yes. Let’s do this.“ She steeled herself and strutted to the red velvet rope that separated the bouncer from the long line of people waiting to get in, stepping over the thing without hesitation.

They walked right past the big burly man, courtesy of Kali and her powers and when the security would have checked the camera tapes later, they would find there had been a strange sort of malfunction at about fifteen past midnight, leaving no recording behind for a couple of minutes.

They dove right into the anonymity of the mass of bodies in the clubs main hall, the strobe lights freezing the scene at a pace that made it hard to grasp the reality. Dottie let out a loud squeel, throwing her hands in the air as she started moving to the music, motioning for them to join her as she dwelled deeper and deeper into the dancefloor.

Kali just shook her head. „Nah I’m gonna hit the bar first.“

A new song started and the crowd went wild; must’ve been a popular one.

She smiled, feeling the rhythm pull at her and pushed her glasses back up her nose, before shoving her way past the crowd to Dottie. They kept at it for a while, dancing together, and then again not, and for a moment she forgot why she was there.

Until a familiar mop of very curly hair caught her eye half way between her and the DJ and her heart lept into her throat.

She’d only ever seen hair this curly and a smile that big, that it caused the eyes to crinkle up until they were barely more than slits on one person; Dustin.

 _Dustin_.

The tears came before she could register the ache in her chest and she swallowed, swallowed furiously tear after tear until she got it under control.

They were here. The boys were here. Just as she’d known they’d be.

She’d seen it, in the Void.

She hadn’t seen them in real life since that awkward attempt to spy on them three years ago in Indianapolis. It wasn’t often that their paths crossed that close that she even had a chance to.

So it wasn’t even an option, really, for her _not_ to come tonight, when she knew they’d be in the same city, not even five miles from their current hideout. She’d begged and begged until Kali and Dottie caved and to be honest, if they hadn’t, she still would’ve come.

She _needed_ to see them. See _him_.

Her motions slowed as she craned her neck, trying to sweep the faces near Dustin, thankful as fuck she’d worn her platforms today or she wouldn’t see shit in this crowd.

Flaming red hair, that she’d only seen one time before, in the schools gym, but that was burned forever into her memory, caught her eye, and a fracture of a second later, _Lucas_. Lucas and that red haired girl, _Max_ , were dancing not far from Dustin, looking happy and in love and the knife in her gut plunged deeper, deeper and then jerked upwards.

They looked so happy. The tears she’d managed to swallow down before came back with a vengeance, now falling freely down her cheeks. And then came the laughter, bubbling up from her ribcage that felt like it had been cut open, out through her mouth, only to be drowned in the loud music before it could reach even her own ears.

Maybe it was for the best. It wasn’t necessarily a joyful sound.

They were alive. Alive and well and thriving and that’s all she could ever ask for. Right? She should be happy for them. Not feel _robbed_ of them.

She closed her eyes and let herself get carried away by the music. This wasn’t the time to lose her shit. Not yet. She needed to gather herself back together or she’d never last and she still needed to find him.

There’s no way she’d leave here tonight without seeing _him_.

He wasn’t there. Amongst the dancers.

The sudden wish to see him right then and there overwhelmed her and she broke her movements, coming to a standstill amongst the swaying people. She needed to go and find him. _Now_.

She found Kali first and the other girl took one look at her and pressed a plastic cup into her hands, ordering her to drink. She complied, downing the whole thing, feeling the alcohol sting on its way down.

„You sure you wanna do this?“ Kali asked, again, and she nodded, _again_. Yes, she was sure, for fucks sake.

Kali just shook her head and strutted away, lost in the crowd in a matter of seconds and then she was on her own again.

Even though her friends were there to support her she couldn’t exactly force them watch as she ripped her own heart out and shredded it to pieces. Kali probably knew already she was the one who had to help patch it back up again later.

And still she did not question her decision to come here tonight.

She trudged forward, veawing through people, watching, searching, longing.

And then she saw him.

She saw him.

 _Mike_.

He looked just as she thought he would and then a thousand times more.  

He was tall. He was so tall now. She could easily see him towering over the slender brunette he was talking to, his hand resting on her waist, leaning in closer to her no doubt so they'd be able hear each other over the blaring music.

Mike.

His hair was shorter now, especially in the back, but still long enough to be unruly, the ends curling in slightly, the bangs falling over his brows as he tilted his head, listening intently to the pretty girl in front of him, a crooked smile playing on his lips.

She let herself fall back against counter she had been standing at, her legs finally giving in to all the pressure she could feel in her ears.

Mike.

He was here. He was here. He was fine.

He was more than fine.

He looked happy, too. Just like the others had.

And so beautiful, even more beautiful that he’d seemed in the Void, that tended to wash out and dampen all things living with a grey sickly shroud.

He laughed at something his companion had said and threw his head back, his long neck curling gracefully, his full lips parting widely to let his pearly whites shine.

She watched, transfixed, as these same lips came back down to brush over the girls cheek as he leaned in to whisper into her ear and her heart just stopped at the intimacy of what she was seeing.

This would be it. It would never start beating again.

Not that she’d care.

But it did, against all odds, start beating again without any mercy, picking up a crazy pace, each shallow thud feeling like a needle piercing the same spot again and again and again, like somebody was drawing a tattoo right onto her heart.

She shouldn’t have come. This was too much. She couldn’t handle it.

She swiveled around, yelling for the attention of the bartender, slamming a twenty dollar bill down on the counter. She hardly registered when it was swapped for three shots of tequila, which she downed in quick succession without bothering with salt or lemons.

Shit, this stuff burned.

But not as bad as seeing Mike with that girl.

Could it have been her? If she’d gone back? If she’d stayed?

Maybe. Or maybe not. She’d never know now.

Maybe she was stupid to still be so hung up on him. On the only kiss she’d ever had.

She’d never kissed anyone since.

Ironically, there was one area of life where she was still innocent. She’d never let any boy or man close to her since.

The giggling started involuntarily, making her feel like a madwoman. Making others look at her as if she was a madwoman.

Like she fucking cared what they thought.

The shots kicked in almost immediately, no doubt thanks to her light weight and the fact she hadn’t really eaten today, and she swayed, feeling the gentle buzz take some of the edge off the raw hurt. 

She needed more.

She fumbled in her pockets, fishing out another bill, trying to smooth it a bit against the counter but accidentally ended up sending it to the ground instead. She was just about to crouch down to pick it up, but somebody beat her to it.

She raised her head, ready to blow off whichever unlucky motherfucker who’d thought approaching her would be a good idea tonight, but the words died on her lips.

She knew those haunted eyes.

She’d seen them before. Well, kind of. She hadn’t exactly seen them in real life.

But in the Void.

In the Upside Down.

 _Will_.

He smiled, tentative.

„You dropped this.“

The air from her lungs wooshed outwards, leaving her hollow inside.

She raised her hand to take the money, hoping Will wouldn’t notice how badly it was shaking. She forced her face into a smile, but when she tried to say thank you, her mouth failed her and refused to move to form any words.

Wills gaze faltered.

„You okay?“

 _No_.

„Yes. Thank you.“ She managed to finally speak.

„Okay, cool.“

She turned away, towards the bar, leaning against it heavily to stay upright, and Will did the same beside him, pulling out some of his own money.

She waited, hoping the bartender would notice them soon, or she’d need to leave. And she wasn’t sure she could bring herself to do that.

„Interesting tattoo.“

She jerked, startled. Will was looking at her left hand. At the word Doe, that now stood where 011 had once been; she’d inked it over years ago, prefering not to see the reminder each and every day.

She swallowed, not knowing what to say.

„My friend has one too,“ Will continued, contemplating. „On that same exact spot.“

The world around her fell, down and away and suddenly she was standing at the edge of the abyss, feeling herself tilting forward, forward, until she’d have no choice but to fall too.

„Really?“ She barely even realized it was her voice that was asking this. „What does his say?“

Will looked hesitant for a moment.

She never got to hear the answer, for suddenly she was pulled to the side, Kalis hand wrapping around her upper arm so tight it hurt and then she was towed away, away from Will, away from Mike still standing not far from the bar, chatting up the girl and for a crazy moment she wanted to lash out and go back.

She wanted to go back.

She couldn’t go back.

„If you’re gonna be stupid about this we might as well leave now.“ Kali growled, almost throwing her against the wall.

Shit.

Kali was right.

She couldn’t do this. She’d sworn to herself she wouldn’t, under any circumstances, allow herself a contact with them, no matter how much she yearned for it. It would only make things worse in the long run.

Her breathing became shallow, too shallow, the telltale stinging behind her eyes and high up in her nose warning her she was about to break down any moment now.

Breathe. Just breathe.

„It’s fine Kali. It’s fine. It was an accident. I dropped the money and he picked it up.“

Kali swore, long and hard.

„That’s it. I’m leaving. I’m leaving, Jane, you hear me? I will not hang around to see you do this to yourself. Fuck this shit. I’m leaving.“ She stopped after three steps and turned back, furious, but worried, too. „If you’re not back in two hours, I’m gonna come after you and make you see the most horrible shit you’ve ever seen, you hear me? So if I were you, I would _not_ make me come back here, you hear me? Fuck this.“

Kali stomped off and she half wished she could follow, but the instincts that were pulling her back to the bar were too strong. Too strong, overriding all of her survival instincts, all of her rational thoughts.

She staggered back to the bar, the three shots she'd had in full effect by now, making her so dizzy. Too dizzy.

Damn it.

They weren’t there anymore.

She found them on the dancefloor instead and her heart dropped so badly her knees buckled under her.

They were all together. All together, laughing and dancing and the longing to be amongst them had never been quite so painful before and then she was sobbing, sobbing uncontrollably but fuck it, it didn’t matter. She hid her hurt into her dancing, forcing her limbs to move, so she could pour all of her anguish into the music and none would be the wiser.

Because it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. They were there, and they were well and they were alive and she would dance, pretending she was there with them even though she wouldn’t venture closer than fifteen feet anymore.

It didn’t matter if she was crying the whole time. Her smile and pink glasses hid it just fine.  

And tomorrow, it would all be just fine.

She’d be fine.

Just fine.

 

 

 

 


End file.
